Anime Bishies Beware
by Fizzyology
Summary: We the Alligence of Bishies, in Order to keep them for ourselves, do ordain and establish this Constitution of the Anime Bishies Beware, in which we can totally do what we want, when we want, however we want to, meaning we can abolish their rights and the
1. Chapter 1

**UNTITLED**

_**By: yumimakai & Shimoariku**_

IMPORTANT NOTE: This story is random. It's just something we decided would be fun and humorous. We are co-writing it so you will be reading two different types of writing techniques. **Shimoariku's writing will be in bold**and _yumimakai's writing will be in italics._

Disclaimer: Neither of us own any of the anime characters who will show up in this fic. We are saying this only once. Not ours… so don't sue us. We need the money for our education.

**It was a surprisingly sunny day that day. Yumimakai was lounging on a picnic table soaking up the sun while Shimoariku was on the ground, under the table, away from the dangerous UV rays that were pounding down on them. It was quite chilly that day as well, both having everything they needed so they could be prepared for any kind of weather that comes their way.**

**They were bored. Both were very bored and had nothing on their minds at the moment. But as for Shimoariku, having that perverted mind of hers, was thinking nasty thoughts about the many different ways that she could strangle a squirrel. No… not perverted; just plain sick**

**Shimoariku (Shimo): I'm bored akai-san. And I hate the sun. You dragged me out here saying you wanted to talk to me. What about?**

_Akai: what are you, a vampire? And don't call me Akai-san, just Akai is fine. And I was bored, so what better way to pass the time then to bug Shimo, eh? Poking Shimo with a stick. Oh how she love poking and/or throwing toasters at people_

**Shimo: Actually, I am. Didn't you notice the pointed teeth? And quite poking me pouts I don't like when you poke. Besides, I'm doing my damness to not bite you. rubs chin in thought Ya know who I'd like to bite? Edo. I always wanted to know what his blood tastes like... probably spicy like his temper about his height.**

_Akai: Heh. That is a good one. I'd rather taste Roy's, I mean, so I'm not a vampire, but I can still bite the hell out of someone. hey! you know what would be better! Roy as a vampire and sucking Ed's blood! grinning evilly, she peeked at Shimo from under the table How cool would that be?_

**Shimo: You and your yaoi. grumbles a vampire curse. Both don't realize that a random bush began to move. behind it, Ed and Roy stare at the two crazy girls and begin to wonder how they got there**

**Roy: What the hell?**

**Ed: Why does she want my blood? thinks about transmuting Shimo into squirrel**

**Roy: Did you hear the other one? She wants me... ME to suck YOUR blood. **

**Both alchemists look at each other. Dirty thoughts go through each other's heads. both shiver and turn attention back to the girl and vampire they have to watch out for.**

_Akai: Do you have a problem with my yaoi? last time I checked, you_ liked_ my Ed/Envy fic. I also believe that's how we became friends, by you _reading my yaoi

_Roy stared at the young blond with his jaw dropped_

_Ed: what? oh, don't tell me you honestly think some stupid fanfic was real!_

_randomly, Envy seemed to materialize next to the two men._

_Envy: what the hell? Where did the fooz-ball table go? And why am I outside? Oh, hi Ed! way to happy to see Ed_

_Roy: you where saying?_

_Ed: aw crap._

**Shimo: I'm random. I like it... then I don't. notices talking bush and shrugs it off. And yes, I did like your fanfic. I know you said you liked Roy feeding on Ed, but how about Envy...pause for effect... feeds offa him instead? Huh? Huh? Well...?**

**Envy: Thinks about what crazy girl said I like that idea. C'mere Chibi, I want to taste your blood.**

**Ed: Goes pale**

**Roy: Wicked smile Want me to hold 'em down?**

**Ed: pales more gulp.**

**Envy: Kindly...**

_Akai:...d-r-o-o-l. that would be lovely! happy face And of course that would lead to...other things..._

_Envy: I like this girl's ideas! mabie I should follow her more often...wicked grin_

_Ed: how bout not and letting me go? silently hoping the girls would catch on fire_

_Envy: what makes you think that would ever cross my mind?_

_Ed: gulps thought not..._

**Shimo: Did you hear someone whimpering? Like a guy somewhere? sniffs air 'Cause I smell fresh blood close by. And by the way... your shoe is on fire.**

**Ed: I have mind powers? Then why don't they work on Envy?**

**Envy: Cause I'm gonna bite you soon.**

_Akai: blows the flame out, its happened before, many times in fact. She was used to it I don't hear anything. Maybe its just our conversation messing with you. But then again, it does feel like yaoi like business is going on. I have the ability to sense that, think its because of all the fanfics?_

_Ed: damnit Envy, get off me! OW!_

_Envy: never._

**Shimo: You might be right. You do read a lot of 'em. Hears maniacal laughter coming from bush and many whimpers coming from unknown source. Shimo is getting fed up with this. ARG! Fuck this! Gets out from under table despite horrid thing called sunlight and marches over to the bush. She grabs it by the root and pulls with scary vampire strength to find...**


	2. Chapter 2

**We have nothing to say.**

**Disclaimer: no.**

**Chapter two:**

**Shimo: You might be right. You do read a lot of 'em. (Hears maniacal laughter coming from bush and many whimpers coming from unknown source. Shimo is getting fed up with this.) ARG! Fuck this! (Gets out from under table despite horrid thing called sunlight and marches over to the bush. She grabs it by the root and pulls with scary vampire strength to find...)**

**Ed: Oh thank GOD! I'm saved!**

**Envy: Shut the fuck up Chibi. I'm not done yet.**

**Roy: (Sitting back with bag of popcorn and large soda smiling at the free show.)**

**Ed: Don't just sit there... HELP ME!**

**Roy: Help yourself. I'm not passing this up. (Pulls out video camera.) I'm gonna be richer than the Furher once this gets out on the internet. Now let's see who's gonna be more popular!**

**Shimo: (squeals with delight.) OMG! Ohmygodohmygodogmygod! HOW CUTE! (Akai peaks over shoulder.) I love black cats! And she has kittens! I feel an Al coming on!**

_Akai: (squee noises) KAWAII! (Sits next to Roy and steals popcorn) I love this show!  
Roy: hey! My popcorn!  
Akai: nuh uh! ( Starts fighting with Roy)  
Ed: um... hello? Is anyone gonna HELP ME!  
Akai: why? This is awesome, Roy is entertained, Envy's having fun, and I don't think Shimo will stop this anytime soon.  
Envy: heh, sorry, chibi-san, looks like you're out of luck._

**Shimo: (walks up behind Akai with stealth) What won't I stop anytime soon and who's out of luck? (Sees familiar palm-tree homunculus with a very distressed Ed underneath with his arms tied behind his back. Shimo's eye twitches.)**

**Roy: Why does her eye twitching bother me so?**

**Envy: And why is MY Edo staring at her like that?**

**Ed: (To Shimo) I will worship you and follow you to the end of the world if you get this green fucker offa me. (widens eyes)**

**Shimo: (To Akai) I know you like this, but don't you see something WRONG with that paring?**

**Ed: So that means you'll help me?**

**Envy: (Puts gag in Ed's mouth) Shut it Chibi-san. She can't help you if she's dead.**

_Akai: (shocked) wrong? WRONG! the only thing I see wrong is that it's not night time and there not in some black and red velvet bed! that and Ed's not having fun too, he should be honored to be under Envy! Envy's so damn hot!  
Envy: why thank you.( )  
Akai: 'c mon, Shimo-chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan! you know you love it!_

**Shimo: (x.x;;) Okay, firstly: ED IS BEING VIOLATED! It's a direct hit to his human/anime rights.**

**Ed: No idea what you're talking about but if it gets HIM offa me... (continues to try and push Envy away. Roy is still trying to get his stolen popcorn back.)**

**Shimo: And I refuse to sit and/or stand around and allow Envy to molest MY chibi.**

**Envy: (so shocked he froze in place) Grrrrrrrr... (glares at Shimo) What did you say Vampie Girl?**

_Akai: but violation is what makes it cool! (ignoring the 'flamer' and holding tighter to the popcorn) and who ever said Ed was your chibi? ill have to fix that! (pulls out a black marker) IT'S SHARPIE TIME!_

_Envy: do what now?_

_Ed: do what now?_

_Roy: gimme my popcorn!_

_Akai: excuse me, Envy-san. ( unceremoniously grabs Envy by shirt and throws him about three feet away)_

_Envy: hey! that hurt, you ass!_

_Ed: am I saved? ( hopeful)_

_Akai: (ignoring the ass comment) my dear friend, you are NEVER saved. (sits on Ed and pulls off sharpie cap. starts to write on Ed's forehead) property...of...Envy...protected...with...anti-shimo...technology... and...there! all done! (puts cap back on, gets up waves a hand) there you go, Envy. undeniable proof that Ed belongs to you._

_Envy: sweet! (jumps back on Ed)_

_Ed: DAMNIT!_

**Shimo: Do what you want. But I ain't gonna give up. (glares at Envy who is slightly disturbed by glowing red eyes)**

**Ed: Hehe... suck it up Envy, you know she scares you.**

**Envy: (through clenched teeth) Shut it Chibi. (to Shimo) By the way... I was wondering who brought you back?**

**Shimo: O.O... No idea what you're talking about. And don't get any crazy ideas about trying to find out Akai!**

_Akai: like I really care? you're a vampire and that is cool. I really couldn't care less who turned you. really, Shimo, what do you take me for, a vampire stalker? please. (happy face) I only stalk bishies! like Ed, Envy, and Roy here._

_Ed: bish-what now?_

_Envy: see, Roy? I TOLD you I was a bishie! (still sitting on Ed, by the way)_

_Roy: ARE YOU KIDDING! Envy a BISHIE! there is no way he's a bishie! Especially compared to me!_

_Akai: ( rolls eyes) Arrogant, much?_

**Shimo: That's the way Roy is. He's always been an arrogant bastard. Right Roy?**

**Roy: Yup... wait... what'd you call me?**

**Shimo: See? He even admitted it. Alrighty, fine. You win Bishie-stalker. I'll just sit back and allow you and Envy to do what you please to poor Edo.**

**Ed: I thought you were helping me!**

**Shimo: I was... but even vampires have their limits. I don't wanna lose a friend since I lost all of 'em when I was turned.**

**Ed: SO FUCKING WHAT?**

**Shimo: (growling) Looky here Pipsqueak... get turned and see how you like it.**

**Ed: (After being called Pipsqueak, he got so angry he threw Envy off.)**

**Envy: ...**

**Ed: I'M NOT A PIPSQUEAK!**

**Shimo: (silent)**

_Akai: (scream) ayah! Look what you did! You threw envy into a tree! BAD CHIBI-SAN! (pulls out a squirt gun and shoots Ed) BAD, BAD CHIBI-SAN! Hurting your master like that...! And right when Shimo gave in too!   
Ed: AAGH! Water! It BURNS!  
Roy: how does water burn?  
Akai: actually, it's not really water. Looks like it, but it's not.  
Roy: what is it?  
Akai: (whispers into Roy's ear)  
Roy:...HA HA HA HA HA HA! HOLY CRAP THAT'S AWSOME! HA HA HA HA! (rolling on floor laughing)  
Ed: What? WHAT! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT STUFF!  
Akai: see for your self. (pulls out mirror)  
Envy: (laughing so hard, he's crying) Oh that's rich!  
Ed: WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO ME!  
Akai: isn't it obvious? 1) Gave you neko ears and tail. 2) made you more chibi-squee. 3) Made you wear a dress. (super happy right now) I love my experiments, especially when they work._

**Shimo: Wow. **

**Envy: You still didn't answer my question. I asked who changed you. **

**Shimo: none of your fucking business.**

**Envy: C'mon. As much as I hate it, I'll hurt him if you don't tell me.**

**Shimo: ... No you won't.**

**Envy: (kicked ground when his plan was discovered) Damn.**

**Ed: If someone is out there... please help me... I'll do anything... Please? **

**Roy: (Still trying to get popcorn back)**

**Envy: (to Akai) you have the power here. Make her talk. I wanna know. Otherwise, I'll be thinking about her instead of my Chibi-san and what I was planning on doing to him.**

_Akai: no! Don't do that! Think of Ed! THINK OF ED! Need...yaoi...moments...gahh! (Runs to Shimo) PLEASE! JUST TELL HIM! DONT MAKE THE YAOI-NESS GO AWAY! IF I DONT GET MY DAYLIY DOSE OF YAOI-NESS, ILL KILL! KILL I SAY! YOU DONT WANT ME TO KILL DO YOU!_

**Shimo: No. I won't say a thing. I'm just gonna be a bitch and keep my mouth shut. That, or I'll just use some kind of diversion from the question.**

**Ed: Why are you doing this to me? What did I ever do to you? I have a brother I need to look after.**

**Shimo: Al's a suit of armor. He's tough and he knows it. He'll be fine without you.**

**Envy: Harsh.**

**Shimo: Shut it Palm Tree.**

**Envy: WHAT THE FUCK IS IT WITH EVERYBODY CALLING ME A FUCKING PALM TREE!**

**Ed: Please... just tell them... please... think of Al...?**

**Roy: I want my popcorn!**

_Akai: BACK OFF, FIRE BOY! DONT MAKE ME RAIN DANCE!_

_Roy: (gasp) you WOULDNT!_

_Akai: (glare) watch me._

_Roy: (TT) ill be good, I promise. (TT)_

_Akai: I DONT TRUST YOU! (starts running around yelling "HOI YOI YOI YOI" repeatedly)_

_Roy: (getting rained on) noooooooo! not the rain! NOW IM USELESS! NOOOOOOO!_

_Akai: feh. (eats last of popcorn)_

_Roy: (sniff)...useless...(sniff)_

**Shimo: And thus becomes the Fall of Troy... uh, I mean ROY. **

**A/N: That's all we have now. Chapter three will be up when we post it. Expect several things... Ed doing a dance, Envy being beat to a pulp by brain natives and more harassment for Shimo about her past. Will she really be the reason poor Edo will hurt the next day? REVIEWS PLEASE!**


	3. Chapter 3

**There is nothing to say.**

**Disclaimer: Nobody belongs to us. Don't make us any more depressed about the fact than we already are.**

**(Before end of chapter 2, Akai rain danced and now poor Roy is useless. Envy has Ed all to himself and is threatening to hurt Ed if Shimo doesn't tell who changed her. Akai is going slowly insane due to lack of yaoi-ness. Ed... Well, he's doomed in this chapter.)**

**Ed: Why... me...?**

**Envy: Cause you're my chibi-san.**

**Roy: (Sitting with knees to chest in a corner rocking slightly) Useless...useless... use...less...**

**Shimo: (Leaning against brick wall polishing her nails black not giving a shit about what happens to Ed.)**

_Akai: no! Edo-kun! (Cry. runs to Shimo) please, Shimo-chaaaaaaaaaan! Must...help...Edo-kun...need...yaoi...! deprivity (is that even a word?) making...me become...normal...NOOOOOOO! (falls on ground in fetal position)_

_normality...consuming...leet awesome brain...gahh..._

**Shimo: (sighs) The word is deprivation, Akai. And quit it... you're making me look bad. Envy won't do anything bad to Edo... you should know that. I don't have to say anything. **

**Envy: Are you saying that I'm not trusted with my own words?**

**Shimo: You can never be trusted. You're a backstabbing son of a bitch... and Dante is a bitch. (Stomach growls)**

**Ed: What the fuck was that?**

**Roy: Use...less...use...less...**

**Shimo: My stomach. I'm hungry.**

**Roy: Twinkle, twinkle little star...**

_Akai: where did the random comment of Dante come from? And don't call envy a son of a bitch, may be true, but NO BE MEAN TO ENVY-SAN!_

_Envy: yeah, who could be mean to loveable me?_

_Akai: right! he's so loveable! (hugs, both are now sitting on ed)_

_Ed: the pain...crushing...ribs...I feel like Giles Cory._

_Envy: who?_

_Akai: that one guy who died by heavy rocks laid on top of him 'cause he wouldn't confess or denie that he was a witch. it's in 'The Crucible'._

_Envy: oh. wait...YOU ASS! IM NOT HEAVY!_

_Akai: AND NIETHER AM I!_

_Ed: together, you are._

_Envy and Akai: ASS HOLE! (poke ed in the eyes)_

_Ed: OW!_

_Roy: _I'_m a little tea pot short and stout..._

_Akai: Roy get over it all ready! It stopped raining 20 minutes ago!_

**Shimo: You contradict your own words. You say you won't hurt him and now you just poked him in the eyes? Wow. (Clouds move and sun hits Shimo) Hssssssssssssssssssssssss! IT BURNS! (Hides under table) Can we get outta here to someplace darker and more secluded?**

**(The setting fades and changes to a dark cell-like room. Torches are lit everywhere giving sufficient light. Speakers in background playing club music and colored lights all around.)**

**Shimo: Much better. Welcome to ClubBatt. Everyone is welcome.**

**Roy: London Bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down...**

**Shimo: ...? WTF is up with pyro? Akai, what you do to him? He's suffering more than Edo!**

**Ed: Then will you fucking HELP ME goddamn it!**

_Akai: do not question my logic! But you do realize that you shouldn't have brought us here, right? All the more reason for envy to smother Ed._

_Envy: indeed. IT'S SMOTHERING TIME! (Attacks Ed)_

_Ed: gah! BACK YOU ELDER BERRY!_

_Envy:...elder berry?_

_Akai: you watch too much Monty Python, Ed._

_Roy: the wheels on the buss go round and round..._

**Shimo: He can smother Ed all he wants here. Second door to the right and straight down the hall is that black and red velvet bed you were talking about back in chapter one.**

**Envy: (all attention to Shimo) Really?**

**Ed: (Glaring at Shimo) Backstabbing son of a bitch vampire whore. GO TO HELL!**

**Shimo: (Irritated) Grrrrrrrrrrrrr... Edward... give Envy a lap dance.**

**(Ed's body moves by itself and begins to give said homunculus a lap dance. Envy squeals like a little girl and begins to strip Ed. Shimo's stomach growls even louder this time and something freaky happens to her eyes.)**

_Akai: heh, lap dancing alchemist...classic. (Notices Shimo) um...Shimo? You ok?_

_If your hungry, I don't know, you could go attack that random guy buy the white haired one. Wait a minute, that looks like Ryou! What the hell is an innocent guy like him doing in a place like this?_

_Ryou: (hears her talking about him) um...who are you and how do you know my name?_

_: back off! My Ryou!_

_Akai? (Looks at the guy standing next to Ryou) holy crap! It's Kaiba! Hi Kaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiba! So you where the guy I was going to sic Shimo on...eheh, oops..._

_Kaiba: what the hell are you talking about? And how the hell do you know us?_

_Akai: (in creepy voice) I know all..._

_Ryou: um...are we interrupting something? (Blushes and looks at Ed still giving envy a lap dance)_

**Shimo: (clutching stomach and sliding down the wall to the floor.) Don't... feel...good...Need... sustenance...**

**(Roy- being the idiot he is- kneels down next to Shimo since he is really the only one who cares and wraps his arms around her. Big mistake. Shimo latches onto him and bites his neck. Everyone watches them.)**

**Envy: Gross...**

**Ed: O.O ROY! NOOOOOOOOO!**

**Envy: (Smacks Edo)**

**Ed: OW! Asshole!**

**Ryou: Huh...?**

**Kaiba: what the...?**

**Roy: (Falling unconscious.)**

_Akai: (hits Shimo with random news paper) bad vamppie! Leggo the eggo!_

_Ryou and Kaiba:...eggo?_

_Akai: Imp talking about Roy! Heh, syrup covered Roy...(mental images)_

**Shimo: OUCH! BITCH! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR!**

**Ed: NOOOOOO! (Manages to get away from Envy and runs over to unconscious Roy and pulls him into arms) Taisa...? Roy...? DAMN IT! ROY TALK TO ME!**

**Envy: ... What just happened?**

**Kaiba: Looks like the redhead bit black boy.**

**Envy: ... Who the fuck are you and I ALREADY KNOW THAT!**

**(Shimo still getting hit by Akai with newspaper.)**

**Shimo: Stop... hit...ing...me...Stop...Hit...ing...Me...STOP...HIT...ING...ME!**

**Envy: That looks like fun (joins Akai) Hey... This IS fun!**

**Shimo: WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT DID I DO?**

_Akai: you...almost...killed...the Taisa! Why don't you attack Ryou instead!_

_Ryou: OO_

_Kaiba: no touchy the albino! MINE!_

_Ryou: don't call me an albino!_

_Ed: (in Swartsinager voice) mustang! Noooooooo!_

_Akai: is it just me or does Ed watch to much television? Though I must admit, the predator was a cool movie._

_Envy: why is it this chapter has a lot of references to books and movies?_

_Akai: because it's cool._

_Envy: makes sense._

_Akai: (bored of hitting Shimo) here. (Throws a hospital pack of blood)_

**Shimo: Thanks... and didn't almost kill him. I did kill him. I could have used this pack earlier.**

**Ed: (Shaking Roy) Taisa... Taisa... please wake up Roy. I can't live without you...**

**Envy: ... Say what now?**

**Ed:... you may be a fucking pedophile, but I love you...**

**Envy: Say What Now?**

**Ed: ... I'm begging you Taisa, don't leave me alone. I love you too much...**

**Envy: SAY WHAT NOW!**

**Shimo: Sorry Edo, he's gone. I can bring him back for you, but you can't be together...**

**Envy: DAMN RIGHT!**

**Shimo: (Hits Envy on head. Knocks him out cold.) He'll end up being my Mate if I do though. Up to you.**

**Kaiba: Did you catch anything just then?**

**Ryou: Not a damn thing. Still don't know how we got here.**

_Akai: (in shock) oh my god! Ryou said damn!  
Ryou: yes...and?  
Akai: you NEVER say damn!  
Ryou: maybe I do when I'm confused?  
Akai: (suddenly doesn't care) I'll buy that. Anyways...I have a better Idea than making Roy a vampire.  
Envy: let him stay dead?  
Akai:...no. we do THIS!_

What will Akai do? Will Ryou say damn again?  
Akai: well, you're just going to wait till the next chapter! Yay! Cliffie! No flames! For I have marshmallows! Phear meh!


End file.
